Question: I am at the top of my game having just been promoted into the CEO role at a major corporation. Yet, I am feeling strangely dissatisfied and lonely despite my professional accolades. It seems as if I attend meeting after meeting and as if I am not connecting with my staff. Am I missing some important clues?
Answer: Burnout issues aside, there was a recent Web discussion about why leaders, in particular, feel lonely (“Why Work Is Lonely,” (Petriglieri, Gianpiero. March, 2014.) ) Among other reasons, lack of genuine communication makes ones experience lonely at any level. When employees stifle their objections, gloss over their reservations and “pretend” that a proposal is a winner when it is clearly doomed, these behaviors cause a huge disconnect between them and the one(s) leading them. Leaders on the other end then perceive “loneliness.”
This path to loneliness isn’t just inflicted upon the leaders in charge; often, you start carving your path before you even get there. For instance, junior managers may feel reluctant to say how they really feel when they find themselves as the voice of dissention fearing their promotion possibilities are on the line. But, what started out as a seemingly prudent strategy slowly becomes a way of being that drains enthusiasm. Arrival “at the top” is then found as a lonely place marred by false expectations of self and others, insincere communications and misgivings all around.
The author of this article calls the “deference, conformity and passive aggression that chokes people and teams… violent politeness.” However, this calculus ignores important variables, and it has a high price in the end. “We keep forgetting that our closest relationships are not those where tension is glossed over but those where it can be aired and worked through safely enough.” Fear of speaking the truth to power evolves into fear of speaking the truth when you are in power.
As an antidote to the loneliness you experience, reach out to others in your organization and elsewhere to get a genuine “read” on what’s really going on. This may not even come from a peer or a direct report. It may come from someone much lower place in the hierarchy who has less to lose by speaking the truth. When real dialogue begins, it is likely your malaise and loneliness will diminish. Honesty, candor and soul-searching are admirable, productive qualities, and they engender respect. As you build a bridge for truth-speak, you may discover that your corporate relationships will begin to reflect more real exchange and genuine connection. You may even cultivate new friendships with the “kind who would rather be ruthlessly honest than violently polite.”
Contact Karen Alphonse at Karena@execSearches.com or visit ExecSearches.com for more information about our career coaching services.
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