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In preparation for an upcoming workshop I am conducting with a Board of Directors, I have been rereading the excellent book Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.  The need for this workshop arose during the last Board Meeting I facilitated when it became clear that the work of the Board, and consequently of the organization, was hampered by poor communication. 

This organization — and its comunication problem — is not unique.  And poor communication takes so many forms:

• Differences of opinion can escalate into outright conflict.
• People offend each other through their choice of words — often without meaning to do so.
• People speak and later regret what was said.
• People wish they could be open to speak up but they do not dare.
• People don’t have the courage — or safety — to say what they should.

And so forth.  The list of communication offenses is endless.

Poor communication impacts relationships between people. The ability to work together and to perform tasks is compromised which also hampers the ability to deliver on the mission of the organization itself.  So often, organizational leaders concentrate all of their energies on picking the right markets, creating the right strategies and managing their resources so they deliver the right financial results, but they do not pay attention to interpersonal dynamics and communication, which are the building blocks of business success.

Knowing how to have Productive Conversations and how to turn confrontational interactions and boring meetings into such Conversations is a skill worth cultivating.  Think of how much psychic energy and time is wasted by not having this skill.  But, by building this skill, people puzzled by their lack of career success and organizational leaders kept up at night worrying about inadequate performance would immediately see improvements in the following three areas:

• Effectiveness.  No matter your role, as long as you interface with other human beings, you will be more effective in your job through Productive Conversations.  The language of command and control will give way to collaboration.  Conflict will turn into compromise and consensus.  Misunderstandings and resentment will be replaced by clarity and commitment. And, struggles by individuals to accomplish tasks will become streamlined, high performance teamwork.
• Engagement.  The multi-tasking, Blackberrying executive sitting in a meeting but not really participating is the cliché image of disengagement.  So is the picture of the daydreaming office worker who would rather be at the beach than in the cubicle.  As is the Board Member who rarely shows up and, when he does, forgets to prepare for Board Meetings.  If leaders knew how to effectively structure meetings and knew how to motivate and inspire employees to be attracted to the content or the cause, there would be no desire for anyone to tune out or turn off.  If Productive dialogue were the norm, people would not feel their time was being wasted, and their attention, and perhaps even passion, would re-engage.
• Emotion management.  Underlying all workplace and career stories is the drama of human emotion.  When people feel excited, enthusiastic and happy, it is more likely their work will be good, and they will contribute to the success of the enterprise.  All too often, though, the emotions of stress, anger, disappointment and frustration swirl around the workplace.  And, usually, the reason for these negative emotions can be traced back to something someone said (a put-down, a slight, a clumsy command, an opinion stated as fact) or something no one said but should have (a word of encouragement, gratitude, real-time constructive feedback).  How much more productive people would be if they knew how to talk to each other in a way that elicited positive rather than negative emotions?

The authors of Difficult Conversations offer the underlying principles of conducting Productive Conversations in the book’s first chapter.  To summarize, they recommend people move from “delivering messages” when they are having “difficult conversations”, to taking “a learning stance”.  Specifically:

• Instead of always trying to prove you are “right” and the other person is “wrong”, recognize the point is not about “truth”. Rather, try to understand the perceptions, interpretations and values of both sides.
• Instead of assuming you know the other person’s intention, inquire about it, and hold off making false judgments and conclusions.
• Instead of finding fault and looking to blame someone else, assume all parties contributed something. Then, explore what went wrong and why, and strategize how to avoid this route in the future.
• Instead of avoiding all mention of feelings and pretending they don’t exist, learn how to address them.
• Instead of believing all difficulties and problems reside “out there”, recognize they probably reflect something about you, your self-perception, values or self-esteem. Then, turn this recognition into a strength.

This advice is powerful, and the skills and techniques of turning “Difficult” into “Productive” conversations will pay off for you both professionally and personally.

Fredia Woolf, founder of Woolf Consulting, blogs to help people improve their workplace effectiveness and optimize their careers.  As an organizational consultant and leadership coach, she works with clients to increase insight, inspiration and impact. She can be reached at fwoolf@woolfconsulting.com.

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